Yesterday they dug up my septic tank, which had been fixed 4 years ago and has now, very conveniently at my lowest point in life, started to leak again. It was a crappy day, to put it mildly.
That septic tank nearly broke me. I say nearly, because I am here still, right? It was a close shave. The final not-so-much-cherry but smelly on top of my dungheap of a life.
Yip, that bad. I prayed and asked for healing, help, anything really and I got a leaking sewage system. My hope was leaking out just like that tank.
In my mind I was freaking out while I had to talk to the town engineer, the sewage system boss, the builder, etc, etc…it was all coherent talk but inside my mind I was screaming for it all to stop! For all the pain and difficulties to just stop. And i started blaming the one who is supposed to be at my side, but was not. Woman alone again. No back up (as I saw it) just a continuous stream of crap to deal with by myself.
But then I took stock…the boys were there all the time! The builder immediately dropped everything and rushed over! The sewage guys helped me find the stop tap just because they were kind. The engineer stayed extra long to help us figure this thing out. And me? I blamed the one who has made me face this crappy life alone again, God also for not making my life all flowers and sunshine. And as I did my hope dwindled and fled. I replaced my hope with fears and tears. Crocodile tears. I felt the darkness taking in more and more space in my heart.
And this morning I woke up thinking about the Israelites wandering in the desert and having no water - grumbling and getting mad at Moses. Wanting to go back to Egypt (where their babies were killed!!) rather than trusting God. Trusting the God of Hope.
Oh, I long to feel God’s love and care. I long to feel brave again. To have Hope. I asked for forgiveness…turned to the God of Hope in trust. This is that Even If moment Daniel’s friends spoke about…Even if God doesn’t save us we will still not bow down to you oh king! Even if God doesn’t…. That is so hard. But God gave them courage and hope through His Spirit. And He was there with them in the fire! With them in the fire….with them.
And so He is with me too. God is the God of Hope. I pray this for myself this today:
May the God of Hope fill me with all Joy and Peace as I trust in Him, so that I may overflow with Hope by the Power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15)
Bella
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